Accepting a non-traditional relationship, Second Marriage After 40 What to Expect, How To Work On Your Relationship With The Stepchildren: Experts View, Challenges Of Dating A Separated Man Going Through A Divorce, 7 Strategies To Stop Fighting In A Relationship, 9 Ways To Resolve Conflicts In Blended Families, 11 Expert Tips To Have A Successful Second Marriage, 5 Reasons Women Have Unhappy Toxic Second Marriages But Cant Leave, Divorce And Remarriage In India: Things You Should Know And Consider, He may not want any grandeur in the second marriage robbing you of your dream of walking down the aisle in a Donna Karan, He can be very cynical about the idea of eternal love and being with each other till death parts you because he has seen it get shattered in front of his eyes, You may feel like an outsider being around his ex-wife and the kids, adding to your pain of being a second wife, If both of you are divorced, there will be a lot more people involved in the scenario like both exes, the kids, and the ex and present in-laws. If OP wasn't a Muslim it's likely she wouldn't have accepted this situation. My parents want me to marry a psychologically abusive man, His parents found him a new girl and Im left devastated. These wouldnt count as one of the advantages of being a second wife, but if nothing else, it will help you stand your ground and tackle uncomfortable situations that are bound to arise. All the hardships in life will eventually be over and lightened by our belief in Allah. Are we doing anything Haram? Although there are not any big disadvantages for a wife. Also, his first wife, Diane, is still much loved by the neighbors and general community so I could feel that they thought I didnt quite measure up, that I was different, says Chantal. Second marriages are like that. Not a merciful man. Its a hard stigma to run away from and can lead to many second marriage challenges. Aside from the love i have on him, aside from the care and love his showing me, how can i be secure myself???? He came to my brothers house to see me. Those kinds of women really don't care if their husband wants another wife, because she really does not have a lot of "closeness and devotion" needs toward her man. We may also learn that if we dont want to get hurt again, to put up a wall, or other such adjustments. So with all those year being with him, i have my full guilt and grieve because i felt that Im just like a mistress being secretly married to his first wife. So if youre reeling under the pain of being a second wife, find solace in knowing that youre not alone. 2, you get 2 eat variety of meals each passing day as the wives take turns in cooking. Allah Knows Best and the answer matters a lot in your choice, your future. Couple relationshipsthe pains and pleasures, the anxieties and comforts, the craziness and calm. Every person's nature is different. It's not entirely your fault, though, her husband is equally, if not more, to blame. We believe the major disadvantage of being a second wife has more to do with the chattering of society rather than the risk of an unstable marriage. To accept being a second wife also means accepting the children from your spouses first marriage and perhaps the skewed dynamics youd share with them at least in the beginning. Theres no patron saint for second wives, and you neednt start pitching for the role. Islam emphasizes getting marriage with one, three, or four wives at a time. What Is Marriage Coaching? Men and women without children are considered incomplete While a second marriage can be successful, its still a relationship composed of two imperfect people. He told to his wife, that she is the mother of his son, the official, his meat and blood. You have chosen to be someone's second wifewhich means you have accepted that you will never have that "normal" life you say you want. I knew my family wouldnt approve of our marriage, but I was weak. Stigmatisation: People are often less accepting of the second wife than the first wife. Plus, the divorce must have made him stronger and now he knows what not to do to sustain a marriage. And to do that, begin by not letting the second marriage label weigh you down from the get-go. We had a small wedding, so not a lot of people were aware that he had divorced his first wife, let alone remarried. But how can i conquer all of this?Well, his always and everyday telling me that he will never leave me, that im his wife too and he love me so much. im just only doing prays to release and ease the pain and stress i have now. You need to find out how she feels about polygamy, and whether or not she is ok with it. When your friends talk about Christmas and having the whole family there togetheryoure over there thinking, The ex has the kids for Christmas Bummer. So many others are navigating similar challenges, and that should give you hope that its not as insurmountable as it may seem. Heres what happens when you are unsure about how to deal with being the second wife: It can get rather overwhelming, but remember, if you insist on being stuck in the vicious first wife vs second wife competition going on in your head, youre not going to get very far in your marriage. Theres risk involved in any relationship, and honestly, theres no guarantee any of us will be together forever. You cannot hurt somebody for selfish reasons, and call it "good". shall i leave? But resolving conflict is key to being a second wife, so be smart and pick your battles., Related Reading: Second Marriage After 40 What to Expect. I know he doesn't love her like he loves me, but he still cares for her deeply. Not to put a dampener on your marriage, but there are studies that suggest that 60% of second marriages end in divorce. My parents want me to marry a psychologically abusive man. shall i wait to be everything okay, shall i believe him after of what i get to know from their conversation? Be a nice person! If you accept this marriage then it is manifest that your rational faculty has gone a vacation. There is a very fine balance to maintain here. Living This Life in a Positive Manner In pursuing happiness, Islam has its own way. The second wife shouldn't marry unless he promises to tell the first wife. But by then, no one can picture you without that first friend. The first wife and second wife comparisons, and the unpleasantness stemming from them are definitely among the many challenges you may have to face in your marriage. It was hard. ), its not going to be your run-of-the-mill marriage. Its always better to go into a major life decision well-prepared. Its all about valuing your second marriage, Kranti says, Unlike a first marriage, there will be a little idealization of the spouse here. It is something desired in every place and in every period for both women and men to be able to have children, that is, to be equipped with biological and physiological conditions suitable for having children. You get easily insecure and offended as you feel that everything your spouse does revolve around his ex-wife and kids. Being a first wife has its own set of challenges that are difficult to compare with the second wife's challenges. I couldn't disagree more with your comment regarding the difference between women who are in love with their husbands versus those that care for their husbands and that the difference has a bearing on who can/will accept their husbands having another wife. A second marriage quickly becomes serious. She feels that she is the consolation prize or the second-hand thing that has no value or is worthless. If he buys you a car, drive it. However, the key is to remember that both wives struggle a great deal, facing their own insecurities and jealousies. We might not be mother-daughter BFFs but we have a healthy respect and affection for each other, Myra adds. One of the conditions that must be fulfilled in order for polygamy to be halal for him, or any Muslim man, is that he must have the financial means to actually support all of his wives equally. The Prayer of Need (Salat al-Hajah) or Istikhara? I ain't suspecting, however, I strongly suggest that you investigate a bit more about this man. Answer 1: Aisha (ra) was never pregnant, but she was the most beloved and valuable wife of the Prophet (pbuh). Linda P (124) 09/12/2022 at 8:41 pm. But i keep quiet , rather i told her That Allah Bless Her.. Its in a person's nature, or its not. I have been married in a man whose already married and have a son. You know what you are willing to do, and not willing to do. Its a pretty deeply rooted desire, and it does not develop over night. All of that financial mess can translate into a financially difficult second marriage. This can lead to a much-known phenomenon known as the second wife syndrome.. That is thoughtless, immature, and rash. They treated like possessions, can be married off as a little child, they are distrusted and they have fewer civil rights. The wives regularly go shopping together with all his. There is splitting the assets, each person taking on whatever debt there is, plus paying attorney fees, etc. i get curious with this,.. i want to know whats going on and what will happen. Some stay home with the children. She could also have a good rapport with the in-laws, and could still be seeing them. No automatic inherentance rights or rights to the house right etc. i got to know him through a cousin of mine who introduced us to each other, exchanged pictures and we both liked each other, started communicating fell in love with each other. Don't LIE about your plans and intentions during engagement! being an adoptive parent. I have an issue to my life,as being a second wife. Most of time, im thinking to leave, and let him to be with his first wife. He was not in the country by then so when he came . Challenges. Marriage is the way to satisfy sexual needs and beware of sinful acts. Because marriage is a key to protection, security, and self-satisfaction that Allah has commanded. He lied to you and his wife. Please rethink your decision about marrying him my sister. You are a little older now, and you learned some harsh realities. The document obliquely touches the sensitive question of Mulsim Personal Law. The pain of being a second wife is that you find yourself on the sidelines of a lot of things going on in your spouses life. (Ar-Rad 13:38). Being known as or introduced as the second wife can feel condescending. What are the advantages of being a 'second' wife in Islam . Youll need to be understanding of the fact that the first wife will keep showing up in your spouses life, that she has her place, and you have yours. Men who had stayed married and never divorced were less depressed. Such as dangerous occupations or fighting in the war. Part of physical wellbeing includes sexual wellbeing and health. Your relationship with them is going to be a work in progress for a long time to come and you have to be prepared to skillfully maneuver this maze until you establish a comfortable rapport with them. Want to marry a revert but family wont accept.. Are my stepsisters feelings and actions justified? But all it doesnt mean it was really his wish. One of the disadvantages of being a second wife is that for some reason, people are far less accepting of a second wife. In other situations, other people may not accept you and may make this obvious. The only things you absolutely CANNOT negotiate over in a marriage contract, are things that are required (like praying). And let her marry, for she will get what is decreed for her.'' However, Love actually is sacrifice. It can be a challenge if wounds from old relationships arent quite healed. i am a second wife..my husband was married a few years before i met him.he married w/n his culture in a sort of arrangement and he married me based on love later.i have been married for nearly 3years now and have five children with him.looking backif i could change my life..i wouldnt do this again ever. Extremely disliked all over the world. But you still need to DISCUSS that before marriage. Then there is the hardship of making a living by yourself as a single person. And don't lie to people. 2. Love is precious, messy, lopsided and almost always worth it. I finally realized I needed to choose my battles, and that meant grinning and bearing it sometimes.. if you live in western soceity its just to expensive.but its your choice. Theres no one way to do this since every marriage is unique. The thought of her man with another woman makes her so sad and miserable, it completely breaks her heart into a million pieces! Website that helps Muslim men find a second wife in the UK has 100,000 users despite bigamy carrying a sentence of up to seven years in prison. I really love him so much, but i cannot stay in a situation like his denying me to his first wife and we keep lying.. 2) Dealing justly with the wives: This will be in. what is the guarantee that he will not communicate with a third woman after marrying you? One man we interviewed, Mahmd, had no qualms telling us that his reason for seeking a second wife was "boredom"! It's like when you are a kid, and you have had the same best friend since you were a baby; then, suddenly, in high school, you have a new best friend. They had been dating for a few years, and both were in their late 30s by the time they got married.